41 ways of pissing of Amelia and Jim
by Kitty Petro
Summary: It was 101 ways but i ran out of ideas on 41. Enjoy and review
1. 1 25

AN: This was something that I just had on my mind...something that if I don´t  
write it down, I'll have these thoughts forever stuck in my brain. I have  
nothing against Amelia and Jim, please note. One other thing to note is  
that in this bit of fiction, I am able to force both Amelia and Jim to do  
whatever I want to by simply snapping my fingers.  
  
One last aside...please realize that Jim, Amelia and all of the other  
characters--- except myself--- belong to Disney.  
  
******  
1. (Both Jim and Amelia) Force the two to give each other a full body  
massages...  
  
Amelia: There is positively no way I will allow you to do this! Period!  
Jim: You sure got that right, Captain!  
Me: *snaps my fingers, forcing them to do as I bid them to*  
Amelia and Jim: (to themselves) Please...let this end soon...  
  
2. (Just Amelia) Gag and bind Amelia in a chair, and force her to watch  
"Pirates of the Carribean" over and over again  
Amelia: No more, please! I simply cannot bear to watch another blithely  
inane attempt at humor by one of those pestilential pirates!  
  
Me: Come now, Amelia...you've only seen it four times. I mean you'll come to  
enjoy it after only a few dozen more times through. Trust me...  
  
Amelia: *hangs her head and cries*  
  
3. (Just Amelia) Bind her in a chair inside her stateroom aboard the R.L.S.  
Legacy and force her to watch as I trash the place...  
  
Amelia: No! Not the--- * crash! * sextant! Help! Can no one stop this  
blasted girl? Oh, lord no! Not that--- *trash is strewn all about the  
room *  
Me: Pah-leese! What are you whining about, Amelia? This place has been in  
need of redecorating for years! Like this for example...*drops a very  
expensive  
vase down to the floor* There!  
Amelia: Nooooo! *cries out in the stateroom*  
  
4. (Just Jim) Allow Jim to suffer the joys of women's monthly pains and  
discomforts...  
  
Jim: * clutches his head as well as his stomach * Unnnh... Whoa...I don't...feel  
so good... * groans again and again *  
Amelia: *looks at me* What have you done to him? Well?  
Me: Nothing much, really. Just letting him feel what we ladies go through  
each and every month. I think that this will be the very last time he ever  
mentions someone having PMS ever again...  
Amelia: Everything at once? He's a man...he'll never endure it!  
Me: Oh, he'll live...he won't be very happy, mind you...but he'll live...  
Amelia: *give Jim a supportive hug* Poor fellow! Don't worry...it will be  
soon be over...I hope...  
  
5. (Just Amelia) Dress her in clothes appropriate for a modern-day teenage  
girl (black clothes, trashy earrings, loads of black make up, and dyed  
hair)  
  
Amelia: Why do I suddenly feel as if I've been recently released from  
Juvenile  
Hall? * gazes down in revulsion at her outfit *  
Jim: Not sure, Captain...but maybe it the Marilyn Manson make-up...or maybe  
it's those chandalier earrings...or then again, it could be your "I'm so bad  
in black" threads. Hey, but it works for me... *looks at me, laughing* Nice  
job.  
Me: *bowing * One does one's best...  
  
6. (Just Jim) Make Jim up like your average teen girl, and then force him  
out into public...  
  
Jim: * cringes as I apply his bright pink lipstick* Please...you don't need  
to do this.  
Me: * smiling * Course I do! You're lovely! Oh, anything you wan't to say  
before you head out to meet your adoring public?  
Jim: *shrugs* Would it do any good to beg?  
Me: Nope. Not even a little... *pushes him out the door and locks it *  
  
7. (Just Amelia) Graft a feline tail on Amelia as she sleeps...  
Amelia: * awakes and rubs her behind * Why does my---hello? * touches her  
new tail *  
Me: I guess that tail of yours might be the reason, Amelia...  
Amelia: A tail?? * hold her tail in her hand, shaking her head wearily *  
Why me? Why must it always be me?  
Me: * give her a quizzical, yet clever look * Sure you really want to know  
why, Amelia?  
Amelia: * winces * As a matter of fact...NO!  
  
8. (Just Amelia) Lock Amelia in a room by herself with nothing but "The  
Pirate's Song" blaring from speakers within the room...  
  
Amelia: I simply can´t stand it any more! * angles her sensitive ears back,  
then trys to stuff her fingers in her ears * Turn it off! My God, turn it  
off! Oh, please, for the love of all that's good and right, can't you turn  
that infernal din off?  
Me: Uh-uh. Nothing doing. *takes Amelia´s fingers out of her ears, and  
then ties her hands behind her back * Come on, Amelia! Sing along with  
me! Yo ho! Yo ho! *starts to sing along loudly with the CD*  
Amelia: * whimpers *  
9. (Just Jim) Force Jim to clean the Doppler's house from attic to  
basement...  
  
Jim: Oh sure, why is it always I have to clean the really big houses? Hmm?  
Me: Oh do stop whining, and continue working...  
  
10. (Both Jim and Amelia) Have Jim and Amelia switch bodies...  
  
Amelia: * in Jim's body, staring daggers at me * I hate you. I really  
really do hate you...  
Jim: * gazes down at his new body * Geez, Amelia, don't you ever eat  
anything? I'm as skinny as a rail!  
Amelia: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Just don't entertain any notions  
of forcing your adolescent appetite upon my body, thank you very much. Are  
we clear, Mr. Hawkins?  
Jim: * sulks * Yes ma'am...  
  
11. (Just Amelia) Cast Amelia in the role of the female lead in the play  
"The Pirates of Penzance"...  
  
Amelia: * after having to work for pirate after pirate all day * If I see  
so much as one more bloody pirate, I swear I'll scream!  
Me: *shows her a 3D picture of Silver*  
Amelia: * runs off screaming, her petticoats flapping as she runs *  
Jim: Now you've done it. The Captain's lost her mind.  
  
12. (Both Amelia and Jim) Coerce Jim and Amelia to exchange a kiss on the  
lips...  
  
Jim: You want me to do what? Nuh-uh! No way! Nothing doing!  
Amelia: I quite concur, Mr. Hawkins. The very notion is repulsive...  
Me: Gee, you two! Come on...it's not like it's going to kill you or  
anything!  
Amelia and Jim: * look at one another then stare at me * Wanna bet?  
Me: * snaps fingers and they kiss---albeit very reluctantly! *  
Jim: * holds his hand over his mouth as if he's going to be sick *   
Amelia: * turns and spits, looks as if she's swallowed something foul *  
Me: * gushing * Aw! Isn't that sweet?  
Amelia: *disgusted, but points out* Ah, you have a bit of lipstick beside  
your mouth, James.  
Jim: * wiping the lipstick away hastily * No kidding? I can't wonder why  
that might be, Amelia?  
  
13. (Just Amelia) Have Amelia and Silver meet in private...  
  
Silver: Ah now...good mornin' to yeh, Cap'n! An' how are yeh feelin' this  
fine day now, lass?  
Me: * struggling mightily to hold Amelia back, so she won´t kill Silver*  
Amelia: Let me go! I am going to bloody kill that pirate! I swear I'm  
going to KILL that scoundrel!  
Silver: * seemingly uneffected by Amelia's rage, walks up to her and  
pinches her cheek sweetly* Sweet as ever, so yeh are. Aye, you 'aven't  
changed a bit, have yeh, Cap´n? * laughs *  
  
14. (Just Amelia) Make her kiss Silver on the lips (I am soooo mean, don´t  
you think?)  
  
Amelia: * eyes wide in fear * You wouldn't dare, you rogue, if I had my  
hands free! * struggles as I hold her arms back *  
Silver: Sorry I am, Cap´n...but it's outta me hands, so you see. I got me  
orders from someone wit' a higher rank than you, I'm afraid... Now, I'll try  
to make this quick as I can, Cap'n...  
Me: * continue to hold Amelia´s arms behind her back so she can´t get away*  
Go ahead Silver...  
Silver: Sorry Cap´n...but orders be orders... *kisses her long and slow*  
Amelia: * turns her head and spits, then wipes her mouth on her shoulder *  
Bloody hell! Was it really necessary to consume an entire onion before you  
did that?  
Silver: * shrugs * I rather enjoyed it. You know...the onion as well as the  
kiss. What d'ya say, Cap'n? Care to try again?  
Amelia: Don´t you dare, Silver. DON´T YOU DARE!  
  
15. (Just Amelia) Make a hole in the RLS Legacy...  
  
Amelia: She's gouged a hole. *sounds like she is going to die* She's gouged  
a * giant * hole in my ship...  
Jim: There there, Amelia...it'll be fine, really...  
Me: * blows away a thin swirl of smoke from my finger * This is so much  
fun!  
  
16. (Just Jim) Force him to play Peter in Peter Pan...  
  
Jim: I swear, if I hear that song from that movie again, I'll go insane!  
Me: *Puts on a CD and plays "You can Fly" song*  
Amelia: * as Jim shrieks, then wimpers * There there, James...you'll be fine  
soon enough. This too shall pass, my friend...  
  
17. (Just Amelia) Force her to sing in the music video of Lady Marmelade  
(to those that don´t know it Lady Marmelade is a stripping song)  
  
Jim: * claps enthusiastically, then whistles * Woo, Captain! Can you do  
that again?  
Amelia: Oh do shut up, and give me back my coat, if you please. Oh, and  
Mr. Hawkins...one word of this to my husband and I shall flense you skinless,  
am I clear?  
Me: *Howling with laughter* This is fun! This is just so much fun!  
  
18. (Just Amelia) Afflict Amelia with a small case of fleas...  
Amelia: * scratching furiously * Damn this is blasted itching!  
Me: It could be the fleas...but who am I to say? * grinning *  
Amelia: FLEAS?  
Jim: * shakes his head, and reaches over to scratch Amelia´s back* Don´t  
worry Captain. We'll just get you a flea bath and you'll be good as new...  
Me: Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that, Jim...  
  
19. (Both Jim and Amelia) Have Jim and Amelia take on the lead roles in the  
play of "Romeo and Juliet"...  
  
Jim: But soft, what light through yonder...hey, who writes this crap anyway?  
Amelia: Some twit named Shakespeare, I believe. Not much of a playwright  
if you ask me... Don't know what you're complaining about Mr. Hawkins...at  
least you don't have to wear a bloody dress!  
Jim: * stares down at his costume * Oh really? I suppose it's all right  
that I'm standing around in what looks like long underwear here...  
Me: Oh, do stop complaining, the both of you! You do realize, of course,  
that I could always ask for an encore...  
Amelia and Jim: * both gulp * Loved the whole play, really!  
  
20. (Just Amelia) Bind her hand and foot and then tickle her...  
  
Amelia: *gasping from laughter* Ha ha! Oh! Stop please! Stop! This is  
torture!  
Me: There there, Amelia...don´t worry, I'll be done real soon...  
Amelia: Soon isn't quite quick enough! *laughs*  
  
21. (Just Amelia) Let Silver give her a full body massage...  
  
Amelia: * indignant * If you think there is any way I'll let that bloody  
pirate touch any part of my body, then you have another thought coming,  
thank you very much!  
Me: Oh, excuse me. Did I make you really think you had any choice? My  
error.  
Silver: * appearing considerate * Now, Cap'n...why don´t yeh just lie down  
here, and we'll just get this unpleasantness over with, eh?  
Me: * snap my fingers forcing Amelia to lie down *  
Amelia: *groans and grunts as Silver begin her massage* I hope you realize  
that I may never forgive you for this...  
  
22. (Both Jim and Amelia) Force Jim and Amelia to watch a children's  
cartoon marathon...  
  
Amelia: * scowling menacingly * Heaven help the poor fool that's about if I  
should see that damnable Barney again! That purple saurid creature is most  
deucedly annoying!  
Jim: * snorts sarcastically * Barney? Hey, what about those, what are they  
called again, oh yeah...Teletubbies? I swear...if I hear that stupid song one  
more time...someone's going to get hurt!  
Me: * smirking sweetly, pats Jim's cheek * Hey, Don't you to worry about  
it! Trust me... it'll be over soon. Really...come on now, would I lie?  
Amelia and Jim: * both groan, closing their eyes in misery *  
  
23. Dye Amelia's fur pink...  
  
Jim: *trying desperately not to laugh* Lookin' good, Captain! I never  
would of guessed that pink would look so good on you, you know...  
Amelia: Shut it, Mr. Hawkins! Shut it immediately, if you know what's good  
for you...  
Me: Hey, not to worry, Amelia! It washes out after only fifty rinses.  
Simple, huh?  
Amelia: *sarcastic* To quote our Mr. Hawkins..."Yippie!" I can simply hardly  
wait...  
  
  
24. Provide Jim with Amelia's baby album...  
  
Jim: Awww...gee, Captain, you were a really cute little kid.  
Amelia: Thank you, Mr. Hawkins. Now, kindly keep your comments to yourself  
and hand over that book to me...immediately! I shouldn't want to hurt you,  
James, but I shall if I have to...  
Me: * laughs * Oh, don´t mind her, Jim. She knows that if she tries to  
hurt you she just gets another go-round with her favorite fella, John  
Silver.  
Amelia: * sighs, then glares * Has anyone informed you that you are a  
rather evil young woman?  
Me: * pats Amelia's cheek kindly * I know, Amelia...I know.  
  
25. Turn both Amelia and Jim into three year old children...  
  
Jim: You know...I've always wondered just what you looked like when you were  
a  
little girl, Captain...  
Amelia: * immensely irritated * Yes, now you know, Mr. Hawkins. Now, do  
keep in mind that while I may be a little girl, I still have my claws. Am  
I making myself quite clear?  
Jim: * gulps, backing away *Yes maám.  
Amelia: * pleased, yet still irritated by her current situation * Good. 


	2. 26 41

26. Force Amelia to eat, despite her wishes...  
  
Amelia: I am really quite full, thank you. No more for me... Me: Now, now...open up, Amelia...you've got only two more pieces of cake to finish...* serves her a very large wedge of cake * Amelia: As I said...no thank you. *closes her mouth entirely*  
  
Me: * sighs in resignation * All right, I didn't want to have to do this...but, well, you leave me no other choice. *pinches her nose closed, until Amelia has to open her mouth to breathe, which is when I stuff a forkful of cake into her mouth *  
  
Amelia: * chewing * Why have I got the feeling that this is the beginning of yet another very bad day?  
  
Me: Sorry, don't have a clue *serves up another forkful of cake* Come on now, Amelia, open wide...  
  
Amelia: *sighs*  
  
27. Allow Amelia and Jim the joys of experiencing of a private bagpipe concert...  
  
Jim: Yikes! What's that guy doing, anyway...killing a cat? This is the worst thing I've ever heard!  
  
Amelia: * wincing * Do refrain from talk of killing felines, Mr. Hawkins. Though I do sympathize with you. Now, Jim, which would is the worst...this bagpiper or  
  
the he's chose to play the theme from that Teletubbie show you so enjoy?  
  
Jim: * grimacing * Pick one...  
  
Introduce both Jim and Amelia to the wonderful theme music of "Winnie the Pooh"...over and over again  
  
Amelia: * scowls as she finds herself humming along * Blasted bear! I can take cannon fire with more aplomb than this repetitive racket!  
  
Jim: * shrugs, not really minding the music * Don't worry, ma'am...it's got to end, right? Sooner or later. Amelia: * grimaces as the songs starts...again * It's the later that's concerning me, Mr. Hawkins...  
  
29. Give Amelia a job as a kindergarden teacher, but one with laryngitis...  
  
Amelia: *thinking* Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts,  
  
THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS. (I know that this comes from "Finding Nemo" but it was so cool that I had to use it)  
  
30. Introduce Amelia to my little brother...  
  
Little Bro: Wow! Is that Captain Cornelia? *points at Amelia*  
  
Me: *laughs* Oh, yeah...that's her.  
  
Amelia: *scowling* My name is Captain Amelia, just so you know, young man.  
  
Little Bro: And, I care...why?  
  
Me: Tell you what, I'll give you ten thousand buck, if you do to her what you do to me. Sound like a deal? Little Bro: Hmm. Okay. I'll be back in a couple hours. *begins to anoy Amelia*  
  
Me: * After a few hours, he returns * Here you go, Bro. 10 grand. *gives him the money*  
  
Little Bro: Easy money. Gotta go, Sis. *walks away*  
  
Amelia: * wincing and muttering * Has he gone yet?  
  
Me: Yes, Cornelia.  
  
Amelia: Oh, my but you are the funny one, you are.  
  
31. Have Jim and Amelia dress like ordinary teens and then have them attend my class...  
  
Teacher: So...you're Amelia and Jim, are you? I am soo delighted to finally meet you both.  
  
Amelia and Jim: Er...thank, I think.  
  
Teacher: Now come along...we must get to class Teacher: *once inside the classroom* You may go about your tasks, children.  
  
Amelia: I say, my friend...is this woman joking? *looking at all the tasks*  
  
Me: * shaking my head * Afraid not...  
  
Teacher: *coming towards us* How are you doing? Do you need help?  
  
Me: No, thank you. *teacher then walks away*  
  
Jim: * to me * Who needs help with this? This stuff is child's play!  
  
Teacher: * to Jim * I can appreciate that you want to talk about the task at hand, but you just can´t make so much noise.  
  
Amelia: I beg your pardon, my friend, but what precisely is wrong with her?  
  
Me: She was educated as a kindergarden aunt. I have no idea at all as to how she managed to get a job as a junior high school teacher...  
  
32. Transform Amelia into a teenage human girl.  
  
Amelia: * blinks, stunned * What have you done to me? I can't see clearly, my hearing's gone for naught, and I must of developed a head cold as I cannot smell hardly anything at all. Am I dying?  
  
Jim: Nope. You've just become a human girl is all, Captain...  
  
Amelia: * scowls *Yes? Make your point, Mr. Hawkins. I haven't time to dilly-dally!  
  
Jim: Well, Captain...humans don´t have as nearly the senses that felinids do.  
  
Amelia: *sarcastically* No! Oh, my...what a surprise! I do thank you, Mr. Hawkins, for that most illuminating insight of yours. Now, somebody...change me back! Me: * giggling * This is just too much fun!  
  
33. Grant Jim full access to Amelia's private diary...  
  
Amelia: *Panicking, gesturing wildly with her hands* Oh no! No, no, no, no! Not my diary! Give that to me...instantly, I say!  
  
Me: *grin, giving Jim her diary* Here you are, Jim! Enjoy!  
  
Jim: *looks on a very angry Amelia, then me* Um, she can´t do anything to me now, can she?  
  
Amelia: * with fierce indignation * Says who, Mr. Hawkins?  
  
Me: Now, now, Amelia...do you really want to kiss Silver again?  
  
Amelia: I was afraid you'd say that. Very well then...I won´t say a thing.  
  
Me: Very wise, Amelia.  
  
Jim: * busting out laughing *Oh, man! This stuff is too good!  
  
Amelia: * instantly suspicious * What are you reading?  
  
Jim: October the 5th.  
  
Amelia: * blushing bright red * Oh God...please let this end...  
  
Me: You needn't worry, Amelia. He'll forget most of what he reads after a few years...  
  
34. Dose both Jim and Amelia with ten spoonfuls of cod-liver oil...  
  
Amelia: * shudders * Ugh! Dreadful stuff, that! Oh, goodness...I do think that I am going to be sick...  
  
Jim: Hey, Captain...trust me, I know exactly how you feel!  
  
Me: * frowning * Oh, just stop all the complaining! You've only got nine more spoonfuls to go...  
  
Amelia and Jim: *making faces* Urg  
  
35. Allow Silver give Amelia a pedicure and a manicure...  
  
Amelia: *Sighing* She hates me...I don't know precisely why, mind you...but she does absolutely hate me...  
  
Me: Oh, don't talk nonsense, Amelia. I like you...really, I do.  
  
Silver: Don´t yeh worry now, Cap'n, I'll be quick as I can about it, so I will.  
  
Amelia: Much as it pains me to say this to you, Silver...thank you so much for your consideration.  
  
Silver: Ah now...lass, you're welcome, so you are...  
  
36. Give Amelia a tattoo that reads "I love pirates"...  
  
Amelia: * glares at tatto, then me * I hate you. I really, truly do hate you.  
  
Me: Maybe so...but are you saying that because you don't like the tattoo itself out where folks can see it, or what it says? Jim: * being considerate * Don't worry, Captain. I know a way we can hide that tattoo.  
  
Me: Yeah, under a long-sleeve a t-shirt! *starts to laugh*  
  
Jim: *holding a angry Amelia who's trying to reach me* Easy, Captain! Amelia: Release me immediately, Hawkins, or I shall pretend that you're her twin brother!  
  
Jim: Come on, Captain! Calm down...she's not worth going to jail.  
  
  
  
37. Assign Amelia the task of writing lines...  
  
Me: All right, Amelia, here we go. You shall write "I forgive every pirate" 10,000 times. Please note that each second you waste trying to protest or not writing will result in your Legacy receiving one scratch. Am I clear?  
  
Amelia: *nods her defeat, but scowls nonetheless*  
  
(A few hours later)  
  
Jim: * watching Amelia massage her hand * So how goes the lines, Captain?  
  
Amelia: Sorry, Mr. Hawkins, but I deign to talk about that subject.  
  
Me: Nicely done, Amelia!  
  
38. Transform Amelia into herself at three months old, giving her care over to Silver. (Please note: Everything Amelia says are really thoughts, as she can't really speak now, can she?)...  
  
Amelia: * muses, sitting in her crib * Very well then. I have before me quite the dilemma. Just who do I wreak my retribution upon first...Silver or that blasted girl?  
  
Silver: Ah now, lass...here are your milk *Takes out a baby bottle full of milk*  
  
Amelia: Dilemma solved. I have my answer.  
  
39. Rework the RLS Legacy to look like a pirate ship...  
  
Amelia: *thinking, yet seething as she looks upon her ship* Mustn't lose your temper, old girl. That wretched girl is simply not worth it.  
  
Me: Hmm...might this be a bad time to tell you that I can read minds?  
  
Amelia: * grins, directing a glare my way * Perhaps... Jim: Come on now, Captain...don't worry...the Legacy will be good as new before you know it...  
  
40. Relocate Jim inside a gay bar...  
  
Jim: * slaps an admirer's hand * Hey! Get your fingers away from me, or you're gonna lose 'em, pervert!  
  
Me: * grinning * Having fun yet, Jim?  
  
Jim: As a matter of fact, no! But, I'm not going to crack. No way!  
  
Me: * arching an eyebrow * Oh, really? Not even if I tell Amelia just were you are this moment, even? Jim: * aghast * You wouldn't dare! * his face pales *  
  
Me: * laughs * Oh? Just watch me! *Walks out*  
  
Jim: * again slaps the hand of his new "friend" * HEY! I told you to keep your bloody hand to yourself!  
  
41. Perform stunts on Jim's solar surfer that he couldn't dream of doing...while he watches...  
  
Me: Woo hoo! That was so easy! Even a first year surfer could do that!  
  
Amelia: *holding Jim back* Now now, Mr. Hawkins, we'll have none of that! That wretch simply isn't worth your effort, Jim!  
  
Jim: * struggles * Lemme go! She is so so dead! 


End file.
